Why I Won’t Be There

November 12, 2009

Please Excuse Me

Please Excuse Me (click to enlarge)

Greetings, fellow trudgers on “the road of happy destiny”…

Sometimes getting to twelve-step meetings is a real hassle for me. Then, just because I might miss a time or two, it starts—you know, the phone calls. Obnoxious pushy people calling to ask probing personal questions like “How are you?”

I finally figured out what I need: a multiple-choice Meeting Excusal Form. For your convenience, I’ve attached a downloadable version of this handy form* I created. It’s for those special circumstances when life just won’t wait. Like every day. Now, next time you or anyone you know just “doesn’t feel like it,” remember: why go to a meeting when you can just fill out the form, fax it in, and get back to what really matters!

Happy Trails!

* PS  Click on the link below to download a PDF of this handy Meeting Excusal Form!

Please Excuse Me

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Dead But Still Right

October 10, 2009

Dead But Still Right

Dead But Still Right

Greetings, fellow trudgers “on the road of happy destiny”…

Lately, I’ve been growing weary of these so-called “Twelve Steps” everyone keeps talking about. I don’t like being “told like it is” by wise, knowing advisors, well-wishers and “guides” in my spiritual life (sometimes referred to as “sponsors”). Man, sometimes the catchy slogans they offer up like candy just make me want to retch! That’s why I was so relieved to stumble across this new offer, which I’m very excited to share with you:

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Sick to death of “Good, Orderly Direction“?

Still looking for an “Easier, Softer Way?”

You’re NOT ALONE! That’s why there’s RENT-A-SPONSOR!*

Imagine a program that involves NO READING! NO WRITING! NO DEADLINES! Perhaps best of all, you’ll never have to share WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON—with ANYONE!!

At Rent-A-Sponsor, half-measures are our specialty. Just look at some of these features:

  • No constant references to annoying books or steps that don’t look like they’ll work anyway!
  • At Rent-A-Sponsor, we accept all your excuses and rationalizations, with a smile!
  • Work only the Steps YOU want, in the order YOU choose!
  • Our new EDS (“Extended Denial Support”)* is now available (additional monthly fees may apply)
  • We will teach you the secret of giving it away—before you even have it!

Why “walk the walk” when you can just “talk the talk?” Why save your ass at the cost of losing your face? At Rent-A-Sponsor, we already agree with everything you have ever thought or said! After all, “It’s better to LOOK good than to FEEL good.”

We believe your plan for living is the best plan we’ve ever heard: just look at you! You look great, and we think you sound great, too! We want to hear all about it, so be sure to explain your philosophy of life to us, over and over again, in excruciating detail! (additional monthly fees may apply).

If you act now, we will include our “Fourth-Step Writing Service.” Yes, at Rent-A-Sponsor we take your inventory for you! WE share it with a God of OUR understanding. WE share it with another person—one you never have to meet! (additional monthly fees may apply). We mail you your Fourth Step in a plain brown wrapper. You can share it with yourself—or not—in the privacy of your own home!

Rent-A-Sponsor understands just how UNIQUE you are!

Call today at 1-900-676-6763 (900-O-POOR-ME). Remember, at Rent-A-Sponsor, you’re in charge! Because, after all…

“WHO KNOWS BETTER THAN YOU?”

If you order before midnight tonight, you’ll receive a free copy of the pamphlet “Recovering on War Stories Alone!”

Happy trails!

*PS The preceding was a paid promotional announcement by River-In-Egypt Accomodations Inc.