Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (Caterpillar and Butterfly)

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Greetings, fellow trudgers on “the road of happy destiny”…

I’m feeling a little nuts today. I think it’s because I’ve been putting up with too much abuse, neglect and craziness from someone close to me, and for far too long. I’ve finally decided I can’t take any more: it’s time to break up.

It’s sad, but I feel like I have no choice: I’m breaking up with me.

I have a long history of breaking promises I made to me. I haven’t shown up for appointments I made with myself. I told myself all kinds of things about me that are not true. I’ve talked myself into saying and doing stuff that’s gotten me into trouble. I may not even have wanted to do it—but I allowed me to talk myself into it anyway.

This me that’s been running the show up to now is a genuine pain in the ass: self-seeking, dishonest and isolated. It’s foxy and clever (cunning, baffling and powerful, I’ve heard it said). It’s constantly on the move, like a shark, hunting and seeking consolation, escape, even oblivion. It doesn’t trust anything or anyone else—at least not enough to ask for help when I’ve needed it. This me seems to think I can do life on my own—even believes I’ve done most of it on my own up to now (which isn’t true). It’s a gossip, it’s critical, judgmental and even downright nasty. It whispers terrible things about me in my ear. It wants to convince me I’m not worth it, that I’ll never be any good.

Who needs friends like this? Hey—who needs enemies like this?

So how do I go about this breakup? According to this reading, it starts with just standing still…

“Through all of this we became, one day at a time, available to ourselves. By the simple act of “standing still,” we inaugurated a relationship with ourselves based on growing self-honesty, trust and intimacy. Now we knew that [our goal] was to lay the foundation for a personal wholeness. How this would translate into personal relationships or careers, we did not know. But what we did know was the the externals would eventually develop around this inner foundation of wholeness, and come to reflect our inner state. We were able to embrace this feeling of growing capacity for wholeness, and leave specific outcomes to God…”

Perfect.

I don’t have to take responsibility for changing my whole life. I don’t have to know how—or if—it’s all going to turn out. I just have engage in this process of change. I can stand still, one moment at a time. I can ask for help, one thought at a time, one decision at a time, one action at a time. That’s what will change my world view, my relationships, my circumstances, my entire life. That’s what will lead to a spiritual awakening. That’s what will lead to a new self, one that believes I’m worth it—every bit of it. The rest of life will wrap itself around my new self as I shed the old.

So, just for today, I’m grateful to be reminded: I don’t have to put with abuse or neglect, I can insist on being treated with love, generosity, and kindness—especially from me.

Happy trails!

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Sharing Crazy

October 22, 2009

Sharing Crazy

Sharing Crazy

Greetings, fellow trudgers “on the road to happy destiny“…

What’s your problem? Have you got it figured out?

I love to share my problems. Well, actually, I love to share stories about problems I’ve already solved. The funnier the better. Add in a dose of clever, poignant and insightful, and I’m a happy camper. Just don’t ask me to talk about the problems that might still be killing me.

This morning, I happened upon a 2-for-1 sale: I read something* that really spoke to me. Then, just in case I might have “missed the memo,” a friend called and asked permission to read something to me: of course it was the very same passage. I already had the book open on my desk, so as I was thinking, “Huh… I wonder if this really does pertain to me…” I followed along.

The reading was about (I’m paraphrasing here) how many of us resort to storytelling rather than share our experiences from the heart — reveal our struggles, and the very real pain we might be in. The conclusion of the reading was: “It may feel like an enormous risk, but talking honestly about the situation is the key to healing.”

It was a great reminder that although I may have grown up in situations where being honest and open wasn’t safe, and perhaps being entertaining, clever, satyrical or ironic was, and most treasured of all was having the answer to the question, I finally have places to go and people to be with who allow me to be safe even when I’m crazy, or dead wrong—recovering with my brothers and sisters on this “road of happy destiny.”

I’ve heard it said that sometimes people whose share things that might sound really crazy may be the very ones who are growing and changing the most. So… does that means that if I sound really crazy, you’ll be really impressed with my progress? No, not quite. I think it means that, just for today, I’ll ask for some willingness: the willingness to be honest and open—even if I’m feeling pretty nuts—if that’s what I need to do to get better. So, nuts to both of us!

Happy trails!

J.

* PS “The paradox of self-honesty is that I need the help of others to achieve it. I need their support to explore my feelings and motives, and to see that others have benefited from taking this great risk.”