Rose-colored Glasses

October 14, 2009

Rose-colored Glasses

Rose-colored Glasses

Greetings, fellow trudgers “on the road of happy destiny”…

I had a blessed day yesterday: a great meditation, a lovely meeting, some healthy reading, I got together with pals, had genuine heartfelt communications, enjoyed a warm fire and shared some music and laughter. I enjoyed the company of a dear friend who loves life, and tries to live it as if “looking through rose-colored glasses.”

Today I woke up feeling scared, overwhelmed and tired, and found myself wondering why. The “tired” part may be easily solved—strapping on a feedbag of M&Ms at nine o’clock at night isn’t an act of pure genius—unless you consider alphabetizing your underwear at 12am time well spent. But I digress…

Why, when I get a taste of the miraculous joy, freedom and connection that comes from shedding old patterns and building new relationships, developing healthy habits, feeling useful, needed, respected, and getting excited about things to come… why would I screw with that? Why stop doing “the next right thing”? Why do I so often find myself lost—again—in compulsive cleaning, silly distractions (YouTube, that includes you), brain-dead fiction, eating when I’m not hungry, mind-numbing television, even the wrong work project or tackling the bottom item on my To-Do list?

Why would I stop trusting in my routine, in my program, in you—in my Higher Power?

Is it just that it’s unfamiliar? I’ve always said that some of us in recovery would prefer a hell we know to a heaven we’d have to get used to.
Is it that more will be expected of me? Do I have doubts about my ability to meet those expectations?
Is it that the ground beneath my feet feels as if it’s moving? Does that trigger childhood feelings of disquiet, being ill-at-ease, being “the new kid”?
Does it feel like a masquerade, when I have to tackle untried skills in my new life?

It occurs to me as I write this that having days where faith and trust are accompanied by doubt and misgivings isn’t unusual for any of us. One day at a time, I might have a miraculous day, a good day, a mediocre day, a bad day, or even a tragic day—but it’s moving forward with the right course of action—in spite of the fact that I have doubts about it—that’s what’s needed to get better. We undertake, as I’ve heard it said, “a series of actions that don’t look they will work… until we try them.”

Maybe my rose-colored glasses don’t feel like a perfect fit. Maybe I’m worried that as my vision changes, I’ll miss something. Maybe I’m worried I won’t look good. Maybe if everything is in the Pink, I’ll miss the chance to see Red. Maybe I’ll miss being Green with envy, or have everything seem Black. Or maybe I’ll miss resenting with a Purple passion, or wallowing in the Blues. Orange you relieved I couldn’t think of a colorful expression for Orange?

So, just for today, I’m going to remember what Abraham Lincoln was quoted as saying: “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Happy trails!